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The Clown

by Anita Lester

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1.
The Clown 04:19
Where am going Following these feet? I got so lost I lost my way, In the street I live and lay. Forever running From door to train to sky. Never quite knowing How to be, Who am I. Sewing feathers to my back So i’d never touch the ground. But I know better than before That the only way up is down. I played the part of the Beautiful stranger. Lying only to myself; It’s dangerous being someone else. Scared when unscripted, I juggle loaded guns. Smiling yet knowing I’m fearful of the fun. Draw the curtain, no applause, I am just a clown. But I know more than before; That the only way up is down.
2.
Sacred Heart 03:55
In my sparkling fantasies- In my wildest childhood dreams- I stood before a wide eyed crowd, Who’s voices call my name out loud. But now I’m standing before my mistakes, Wondering if I’ll ever be a saint. Or at least afoot of someone great- Now do I settle for a prophets date? I felt the angels were laughing at me. Kept losing blood from the heart on my sleeve. My addled heart trying to find it’s own beat- My heart wrapped in thorns that cut deep- My sacred heart with only gold left to bleed. I was taught if to exist I must be known or won’t be missed, And if I cannot be enough My worth is bound to who I love. But this morning I woke up professed- I pushed that rock away atop my chest. I burnt the pictures on my alters stand- I took my life into my shaking hands! I was lost in what the hunting meant- Tracking glory led me to regret And my passion play will never be burnt, Though the harder you love the harder you hurt.
3.
You were just waiting, Helplessly hoping, Anticipating, What happens next. I was just spinning, Secretly dreading, The face of my lover When I tell him… You walked Alone To my door. and bid farewell to before. You came round with your tongue hanging out of your mouth, No words, no doubt, no idea what all this yearnings about. Earthly Desire I sewed your full name On to my panties, Beneath my cotton, So you’d feel me. And our hair is turning Grey like the morning, Cold like this winter, Everlasting… I turned My light on for you open my window won’t you. And I cut my teeth on the rocky beach where I left my mind for the summer. And i pinned my heart to a falling star that you found when you were running. You came round with your tongue hanging out of your mouth. No words, no doubt, no idea what all this yearnings about. Earthly Desire.
4.
Sweethearts 03:31
I’m in love with sweethearts in my head, Same old stories written with new words. A half opened bottle of cheap red Is company along with singing birds… Can push the sky Can change the tide. Now where’s this love who’ll come And come and change my mind? Was a prisoner to all my myths; Tethered to revenants never known. Finding joy inside a new abyss That looks a lot like my own messy home, Just like a cave without a light, Where I sleep drunk, And it’s alright. I heard a song Before I stirred It was your voice That song I heard I hadn’t penned Those knowing words I was the lamb And you the bird.
5.
Jukebox 03:11
It’s 2am, The bar is empty, I’m bent over the jukebox Playing songs that remind me Of when we first met- I don’t even drink, But the smell of that beer Reminds me of your skin. Flawed; So flawed were you and I. Whilst you drank away your feelings I always looked for reasons To try and save you from yourself… And all the while You were saving someone else Oh, I waited so long For you to let me in… Just to let me down. Blindfolded I loved, With nowhere to go- Pink neon red cheeks, As you moved with her slow. Silent and still, As the room danced around me- I was stuck to the carpet And every memory. But today, It seems I’ve woken up. I poured out your wine, You can no longer fill my cup. I looked Myself straight in the eye. And in the bathroom of that bar. Ill love myself for the first time. Oh I waited so long For you to let me in Just to let me down- And spit me out; That spit you shared with her, When I was sleeping in our bed… And oh, I waited oh so long, For you to let me in, Just to let me down.
6.
Breath 03:42
I had a dream I couldn’t see- I was clawing at the trees. I called for help but couldn’t speak, When the angels sung to me. “Look at you changing- Look at your colours- Proud but sorry. Born to be great but Flawed at the gates- Broken by temptation.” Oh- It it there… Can you feel it? You can’t see it? It is here, Though it’s rare. You can’t touch it, Though you hold it. When I woke I had a thirst That could not be quenched. And I was taunted by soaring birds Who sung to me- “Look at us flying- Look at you grounded- Proud but sorry. Born to be great but Flawed at the gates- broken by temptation” Oh- It it there… Can you feel it? You can’t see it? It is here, Though it’s rare. You can’t touch it, Though you hold it. It is breath, Though not air- It is changing; Always changing. It is god, It is death, It is life, It is breath.
7.
I’ve been called a bird a sheep, Called a lion, Called too weak, Been called so many names Nearly forgot that I could dance. Took one too many notes this life, I got twisted round some knife, Meant to cut the mighty down, with some elusive crown. Oh here it comes again; Righteous rain , Restore my heart! I’ve been a wild woman… I need the open sky on me, The frenzied clouds, The careless breeze, The storm is best upon my knees… I feel god, I feel at ease. Flirting from a homemade throne, I was stupid, was alone With my mind in Hollywood; My lust on nothing good. Forgot the touch of my own skin, Of the place that I was in, Of the love I stopped giving, I kept on leaving. Oh here it comes again; Righteous rain , Restore my heart! I’ve been a wild woman… I need the open sky on me, The frenzied clouds, The careless breeze, The storm is best upon my knees… I feel god, I feel at ease. Let the rain fall down….
8.
Songbird 05:28
This was to be my last plea, That final cry across the sea, That final call across the sand, Of this stolen burning broken land. When you know…you just know. Honour bound and still obliged To all my ghosts from my past life. Sewn to the skin of all I’ve touched, I love hard that’s just how I love. When you know…you just know. The crooked night arouses me, Tormenting me out of my dreams. Shadows cast a frighting show, A spirit I don’t want to know. When you know…you just know. A beggar called me by my name Across the street she called my name But when I looked her in the eye I looked myself straight in the eye. When you know…you just know. A desperate songbird still am I. A lonely painter by and by. I bury my gold in the dirt, I am better off poor then hurt. When you know…you just know.

about

The Clown. A collection of songs written mostly during the extensive Melbourne lockdowns, recorded lovingly, frustratedly and passionately by my husband Gideon Preiss, and tortured over by yours truly still on a life-long search for perfection, like almost every creative I know. At some point I realised ,whilst every day should probably be treated like the last, every work should be treated like the first. We are too ever-changing to put ceilings over possibility, and what a beautiful thing that is. I think maybe, that is why art is God.

My small body of work tells 8 stories of broken dreams with a wink from the clouds and the stars that there is hope yet. The album is about burying my gold in the dirt for preference of being poor than hurt.

credits

released March 31, 2023

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Anita Lester Melbourne, Australia

Devorah is the newest project from Anita Lester.

Anita originally made a mark in small communities around the world first with ‘Me and the Grownups’, then as ‘Lester The Fierce’, touring extensively internationally with both, gaining high praise.

After a five year hiatus and various collaborations, Anita recorded her EP for 'Devorah', titled 'Erato'- it's first single 'Wrong Time' is out now.
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